Chocolate Chip Cookies and Mothers

I learned to cook not as a girl in my mother's kitchen, but as an adult from Betty Crocker.

Although my mother cooked for us, she never cooked with us. My father - of course - was not expected to be in the kitchen. My sister, seven years older than me, was called on to do selected kitchen chores. But I, the baby of the family, was kept out of the kitchen.

I didn't really have to think about my inability to cook until I found myself living in my first apartment and unable to feed myself. I didn't even know how to boil water without a microwave - seriously.

Out of sheer necessity, I got myself one of those classic tomes for beginner cooks, the Betty Crocker Cookbook: Everything You Need To Know To Cook Today, It held true to its title. It did have everything I needed to know - from basic cooking equipment, to what to stock in the pantry, to how to select the fresh ingredients, to ingredient substitutions, to knowing different cuts of meat.

Betty taught me the ins and outs of many of my go-to dishes - chili, meatballs, blueberry muffins, and pancakes. She's been my guide for the dishes I pull out when I want a long, leisurely cooking session on a rainy afternoon - cheesy Bechamel for homemade mac and cheese, silky cream of mushroom soup from scratch, melt-in-your-mouth chocolate fudge for hostess gifts.

From Betty Crocker, I learned to make the perfect chocolate chip cookie - with rounded, crisp edges and slightly chewy in the middle. The secret, says Betty, is in the butter. Butter that is too soft or partially melted results in a cookie that is flat and spreads. Perfectly softened butter retains its shape, and leaves a slight imprint when you press your finger into it. It also results in the picture perfect chocolate chip cookie.

Thing is, my mother is a wonderful cook. She just didn't choose to share this skill with me. And now, though I can cook, I'm not completely at ease making the recipes of my culture and my heritage. Instead I whip up specialties from the culture of Betty. Who is not my mother. She's not even a real person.

I am deeply conflicted about almost every aspect of my relationship with my family. Learning to cook from my mother is no exception. Watching my mother over the years, I've come to suspect that my mother's way of showing love for us children is to serve - that is, to cook, to clean, to make sure we are taken care of. If I learn to cook and no longer need her help, how then can she show that she loves me?

But I am equally poor at showing my love. I want to show her my love and respect by learning her recipes and her cooking tips. And yet, by doing so, instead of connecting, I am pushing her away. I am taking over for you  - I no longer need you. 

And so we push and pull, my mom and I. She pushes, I run. I pull, she withdraws. We did this when I lived  at home. And now, though I live in a completely different continent, we still find a way to push and pull. Maybe this is the only way we know how to show our love. Maybe this is the only way we know how to stay connected.

I worked to master the chocolate chip cookie because, to me, the chocolate chip cookie represents the ultimate in Mom-ness. I have some 1950s fantasy in my head that I'd be one of those moms with cookies baking in the oven when my kids came home from school. I would spend Sunday afternoons with my kids in the kitchen, teaching them how to make chocolate chip cookies on their own. And when the kids grew up they would, hopefully, do the same with their kids.

I worked so hard to master the chocolate chip cookie because I didn't want to be my mother.

I know my 1950s Mom Fantasy, is probably just that - pure fantasy. My kids may or may not like to cook. They may find it a drag to be in a kitchen on a Sunday afternoon. Heck, they might even have gluten allergies and never be able to have a real cookie for all I know.

Nonetheless, I want to be able to express my love for my children in a way they can feel. I want to be able to accept their love no matter how they choose to express it. I want us to be able to talk - no matter how difficult or painful the conversations may be.

I love my mother very much, but I want something different for me and my children.

Betty Crocker's Chocolate Chip Cookies
Makes 4 dozen

Ingredients
3/4 cup of brown sugar
3/4 cup of white sugar
1 cup of butter (2 sticks)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 large egg
2 -1/4 cups of all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 bag (12 oz) of semi-sweet chocolate chips

1. Cream together sugars, butter, vanilla and egg in a large bowl.
2. Stir in flour, baking soda and salt. The dough will be very stiff.
3. Stir in chocolate chips.
4. Drop dough by rounded tablespoonfuls on a cookie sheet.
5. Bake 8-10 minutes or until light brown. Cool for 1 to 2 minutes before moving cookies to a cooling rack.

The original recipe can be found here.