I don't need you to like me all the time, I just really, really want you to.
I am a self-admitted people-pleaser. I'm not proud of this. Quite the opposite, I try to deny it at every turn. I have my own judgements about people pleasers. Being a people pleaser means the desperate need for the acceptance of others. It means low self-esteem. It means always accommodating others at the cost of self. Being a people pleaser means being a doormat.
I judge these things because I am these things - maybe not all of them, all of the time. But I am definitely some of these things at any given time.
At the heart of it, I want to make them happy. Who is them exactly? It doesn't matter. They are anyone. They are everyone. I want the happiness of the other more than I want happiness for myself. Because I believe if I can make someone happy, they won't hurt me, or worse, leave me.
Or so I think, anyway. In truth, there can be no promise of emotional safety just because I can make someone happy. This kind of mechanical exchange isn't necessarily how relationships work. Because relationships of all kinds - personal, intimate, and even professional - involve people. Intricate, nuanced and quite honestly, complicated people. People who have free will to do whatever they want.
No one is bound to liking me just because I make them happy. The reverse is also true. Just because a person has made me happy doesn't mean I owe them some kind of emotional pay-back.
I've been in therapy for this (and many other things) and will be in therapy for this again, and possibly, for the rest of my life. But the need to please the other is so intricately woven into my DNA that while I may squash the people-pleaser in some areas of my life, I subconsciously act out the people-pleasing in other areas.
Case in point - these pumpkin muffins.
I made these pumpkin muffins because I was depressed that I was unable to "please" in the context of a business relationship. I had worked so hard to make "them" happy. To negotiate, to compromise, to give them the best of myself and my time. I wanted so desperately to find the mythical "win-win" situation that everyone talks about in the business world.
But there would be no solution. And there could be no appeasement. This was a situation where no one could be pleased. Ever. I knew this logically, but my heart still longed and yearned for acceptance.
So when it finally came to pass - that this business relationship could not be salvaged - I felt personally rejected. Even though it was "nothing personal" - it felt emotionally like being the jilted girlfriend. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was the one who was "unloved."
And then, I felt a great urge to bake. It was specifically to bake - not cook, not create a meal, but to bake a sweet treat. I wanted something simple; that I knew would turn out beautiful, tasty and perfect. I needed this perfection because the other part of my life was so not perfect. I wanted just one moment where I could feel some success at a job well done.
This, ladies and gentleman, is the story of how I came to craft my own pumpkin muffin recipe. I simply wanted to be liked and feel special. And no one rejects a girl who makes (and shares) sweet treats.
All psycho-analysis aside, these pumpkin muffins, tender, moist, sweet and with just a hint of pumpkin are designed to be a crowd-pleaser. It uses pumpkin pie filling rather than canned pumpkin. There's no special "cook's secret" for using pumpkin pie filling - it's just that this is what I had in the pantry and I didn't want to buy any more groceries.
One of my little "personal touches," however, is to brown the butter before adding it to the wet ingredients. That way, I know these muffins always have that "just a little something different." I know they are... wait for it... special and loved. (Hint hint: just like me?)
Makes 16
Ingredients
For muffins:
8 oz all-purpose flour (approx. 2 cups)
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp pumpkin pie spice
1 tsp salt
2 eggs
4 oz butter (1 stick of butter)
4 oz brown sugar (approx. 1/2 cup)
10 oz pumpkin pie filling (approx. 1- 1/4 cups)
For streusel topping:
3 to 5 tbsp of all-purpose flour
2 to 4 tbsp of granulated sugar
1 tbsp of brown sugar
1/2 tsp of cinnamon
1/4 tsp of pumpkin pie spice
2 tbsp of butter, cold and cut into small cubes
1. Perheat oven to 400 degrees.
2. In a sauce pan, melt butter on medium heat. To prevent butter from burning, swirl the butter in the pan as it melts. As the butter melts, it will start to foam, and will go from yellow to honey-brown. Once the butter turns honey-brown, remove from heat and transfer to a bowl to cool.
3. In a large bowl, mix eggs, brown sugar and pumpkin pie filling. Make sure sugar is dissolved in the mixture.
4. Pour the cooled browned butter into the pumpkin mixture.
5. In a separate bowl, mix flour, baking powder, salt and pumpkin pie spice.
6. Fold the flour mixture into the pumpkin mixture until just combined. Do not over-mix or the muffins will be tough.
7. In a separate bowl, combine 3 tbsp of the flour, 1 tbsp of brown sugar, 2 tbsp of granulated sugar, and the cinnamon and pumpkin pie spice.
8. Using a pastry cutter, or two knives, cut the butter into the flour mixture until the mixture resembles cookie crumbs. If the mixture is too clumpy, sprinkle some additional flour and sugar and continue cutting the butter into the mixture.
9. Line muffin pans with cupcake liners. Fill muffin cups 1/2 to 2/3 full with batter. Generously sprinkle streusel topping on each muffin.
10. Bake for 14-15 minutes at 400 degrees. Muffins are done when a toothpick inserted in the center of the muffin comes out clean.
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